


Error In Deleting

by erstersandapplepi



Series: Failure in Connection [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst, Break Up, Explicit Language, Falling Out of Love, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I'm sorry Kuroo, Insecurities, It has hints of scifi but imma tag it anyway, Lots of it, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Miscommunication, Not Beta Read, Songfic, Sort Of, We Die Like Men, i'm sorry kenma, ok maybe not a lot but still significant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27453658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erstersandapplepi/pseuds/erstersandapplepi
Summary: 'Delete feelings for this person?''Are you sure?'Yes....Deleting feelings…ERRORCannot delete due to large file size. Person too important to delete.'Was Kenma okay?'
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: Failure in Connection [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016317
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	Error In Deleting

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I made a fic before actually updating my other one. Am I sorry? maybe. But this fic was really just to help my writer's block. School did not help with easing it, but this fic did so I hope you enjoy it!

A world where technology runs the entire world as well as its people. Literally. Everything about a person is somehow encrypted and merged into a device. Their photos are their memories, the songs are the things they hear. Their contacts list are all their relationships. Their feelings…they’re there too.

Deleting something from any of these is cutting it out of your life. Severing any bonds, you had with a sound, a memory, even a person.

* * *

Kozume Kenma was born an aberration. A glitch in the perfect system. A mistake.

He wasn’t a rare case if that’s what you’re thinking. No, there were others like him as well, albeit not more than a fourth of the population, but still, there were people like him. People who had a hard time “connecting” with others.

It took a lot more for them to create relationships, much less maintain them. Most of the time, they were loners. They were diagnosed to have a mistake in their coding since most people in the world had the natural in-born ability to “connect”. It didn’t matter if the traits they possessed for connecting were good or bad.

Unfortunately, Kenma lacked most traits, so he was deemed a glitch. It wasn’t a huge problem, but it didn’t relate to the word “mistake” for nothing.

He was left alone by other kids throughout his childhood. There were bullies here and there, but most of the time he was just alone. Even in his own home. He knew his parents loved him, and so did he, but it was always obvious how they pitied and were saddened by Kenma’s “condition”. They tried their absolute best to treat him normally and were awfully proud of him for being top of his class, but he could always sense a shame in their faces whenever others asked about why he didn’t have that many friends.

He couldn’t bring himself to blame them all that much. From the start, despite being a child, he knew just how taboo and shameful it was to be an aberration. I mean, this world was _so_ “perfect”, it didn’t have flaws, yet somehow mistakes like him kept popping up, causing a few troubles here and there. Granted, treatment towards glitches were better than before, but it was still a bit embarrassing to be related to one, which apparently in society’s eyes was worse than being the actual glitch.

Kenma, as much as he wanted to _not_ care, cared a bit. He didn’t mind not having too many friends, but he always felt uncomfortable when someone brought up his “condition”, which was frequent enough.

Monitors—each person had one that was basically their life in a clear-glass tablet—showed a person’s basic information whenever directed at said person. Information, including conditions, were shown. So, Kenma always felt uncomfortable when a kid would shove their monitor in his face, only to turn away as soon as they saw the problem.

These kinds of things were what made Kenma more insecure than he already was. He hated being different, standing out. And despite being antisocial, his very condition constantly thrust him into a spotlight of scrutiny. He hated it.

Like I said before, he didn’t have many friends. Specifically, he had _one_ friend. Kuroo Tetsurou. When they met as children, at first glance—or monitor, I guess—you’d think he was an aberration too, when in fact he was just painfully shy.

Despite this, both kids were easily able to connect. They just worked well. They understood each other to an extent, despite being different from each other.

Kuroo could understand Kenma’s insecurities to an extent and Kenma understood Kuroo’s antisocial nature. Next thing the cat-eyed boy knew, they were as close as two peas in a pod.

Whenever Kenma would have small anxiety attacks regarding his condition, Kuroo was always there to ease him out of it.

“Don’t be sad, Kenma.” He’d whisper comfortingly at the younger boy who was trying to close in on himself as much as possible. “They may care now, but trust me, when they actually see you for you, they won’t care about it at all.”

“But that’s exactly it.” Kenma replied with a trembling voice. “They won’t even _approach_ me, how are they gonna know that when they don’t even bother. Not that I mind, but still.”

Kuroo hummed, “Well, I’ll just have to stick by you, then!”

“What?” Kenma asked confusedly.

“If they see that me, who is “normal”, can hang out with you, who is “different”, then they’ll see that it’s okay for them to connect with you! They won’t see you any differently if I make them see the way I see you!” Kuroo exclaimed as he took Kenma’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “And I don’t see you as a glitch, not now, not ever! So, don’t be sad, Kenma. Please be happy!” He finished off with a beaming smile.

It was then did Kenma realize that Kuroo looked…cute. Cute in a not so familial affection. What with his bright smile, his wrinkled eyes, his tousled hair, and other boyish features. At first, he thought it was nothing, but the attraction soon turned into a crush, which soon turned into puppy love, which finally molded into actual love.

Kozume Kenma was 12 years old when he realized his feelings for his best and only friend. And he was 16 years old when he finally mustered up the courage to whisper his confession on Kuroo’s graduation day. They got together on the same day.

Kenma was 19 years old when they moved in together. And he was 22 years old when it all changed. When the connection weakened.

* * *

A month ago, Kenma would say that he was happy and very lucky. He and Kuroo had hit their 6th-anniversary mark. Crazy to think they’ve known each other for more than one and a half-decade now and have been a couple for 6 years of it.

He wasn’t that much of a pessimist, but it still baffled him to see that Kuroo had stuck with him for so long, even with all his problems. Granted, their relationship wasn’t near perfect, they still fought, but the fact that they stayed together was truly heartwarming, as much as Kenma was reluctant to admit.

His insecurities and anxiety had gone down significantly from when he was a child, he still had them from time to time but they weren’t as exhausting as before. He attributed it to the day he realized that he could care less about what others think of him, especially his relationship.

At the start of their relationship, Kenma was still reluctant about PDA. And no matter how many times he told Kuroo that it didn’t affect his feelings for him, to which the ravenette would understandingly agree on, it still bothered him to think if Kuroo was disappointed in his lack of affection in public.

“It’s fine, Kenma.” Kuroo smiled ever-so warmly at Kenma’s shrinking figure. “I don’t mind one bit if you don’t like PDA. I know how hard it is for you to be open about a lot of stuff, but trust me, I’m not upset about it, okay?”

“That’s the point.” Kenma replied. “It _is_ hard for me to be open…but, Kuroo, I want to be. I know how much you like holding hands. I see you eyeing couples in public, then you’d look to my hand, but you never reach for it. You may not outwardly show it, but I know that you feel that way.”

“Kenma…” Kuroo whispered.

“I wanna get better, Kuroo. I…want to be normal.” He blushed as he stared at his lap. “I want to see you smile whenever you hold my hand in public. I want to see how you “flaunt” our relationship. It’s…embarrassing to admit all this, but I really do want to be more open.”

Kenma was pulled out of his embarrassing stupor as Kuroo suddenly flung himself at the blonde, causing them to fall down onto Kenma’s bed. The blonde was confused, to say the least, the laughter that filled his ears confused him even further.

“Why are you laughing?” He asked, face still flushed with red.

“Kenma,” Kuroo chuckled. “Did you hear yourself just now?”

“Huh?” Confusion morphed back into embarrassment as the blonde tried to defend himself. “Sorry, was I overstepping something? Did I say something bad? I’m—”

He was cut off by Kuroo’s laughter once again. “Kenma…” He sighed, still chuckling. “That’s not what I meant. What I meant was that you’re already really open.”

“Huh?”

Kuroo shook his head with a smile. “You worked up the courage to admit all this to me, even when I constantly tell you to leave it since I don’t mind it. But you still did and even told me about your feelings.” He took a falling strand of hair from Kenma’s face and tucked it behind his ears.

“You’ve been open since the day you confessed to me. It wasn’t _me_ ; it was _you_. You did that all on your own, even when you were worried about if I liked you back. And I’m proud, Kenma.” He smiled so warm that Kenma thought he’d melt right there on his bed. “From that shy boy who barely spoke, to the one who bleached his own hair to make himself stand out as a defiance to those who treated him differently, to my boyfriend who worked up the courage to tell me about his problems and how he wants to fix them.”

Kuroo kissed the top of his head, then moved to his nose, then his lips. “You’ve grown so much, Kenma. Whatever they say about you being a glitch or a mistake, it doesn’t matter. You have proven to me and you _can_ prove to them that you don’t let that label define you. You may not realize it, but I do. And I’m so proud of you.”

Kenma had tried his hardest to make Kuroo prouder of him, he always blushed at this thought. He admitted that it was hard, bordering impossible, at times to defy his programming of being a loner, but he tried. And his trying paid off.

He gained friends, actual friends that treated him like a normal person. They approached him and couldn’t care less about his condition, and he was happy. He’d met Akaashi and Bokuto, the latter despite being loud was tolerated by the blonde. He also met Shouyo and had made friends with the rest of the Nekoma team. Life was good for Kenma and it continued to be so for another decade. Until it, all crumbled down.

* * *

Kenma had started noticing the subtle changes in his boyfriend about a month after their 6th anniversary. It wasn’t much to see at first, but looking back on it, the signs seemed so obvious.

It began when Kuroo started spacing out in their conversations. Kenma would be talking—which was already weird enough for the man that never starts a conversation—and Kuroo would listen intently for a few minutes, before he started gazing off into the distance, seemingly avoiding Kenma’s eye.

Whenever Kenma got his attention back, he’d ask what was wrong, only for Kuroo to reply with a “Don’t worry, just a lot of stuff going on, sorry.”

Kenma, being Kenma, didn’t buy the excuse one bit. But he didn’t push nor question any further. He knew that Kuroo would come to him if he really had something concerning on his mind. The ravenette never pushed him to answer if he didn’t want to, so Kenma was being fair and giving Kuroo the time and space he needed.

He didn’t know how, but the spacing out soon turned into avoidance. Sometimes, when Kuroo could, he’d avoid Kenma. Not in a sense where he’d leave the room, but sometimes he’d ignore Kenma if the blonde didn’t say anything to him.

It was off-putting, to say the least. Kuroo had always been the talkative of the two. He’d talk most of the time to fill in the silence that grew between them. Kenma most of the time would stay silent while fervently listening, but now, there were hardly any words if Kenma didn’t start the conversation.

He didn’t know what was going on. He once tried to subtly ask what was wrong and why the older one was avoiding him, Kuroo would reply with, “Sorry kitten, I’ve just been so busy lately. I can’t think of anything but finals right now. I’m so sorry for ignoring you.”

Subtlety clearly didn’t work, as Kuroo wouldn’t directly answer him. He’d push every now and then, but he was stumped. Kuroo was clearly avoiding him and no amount of first-moves or questions could coax the truth out of him.

It was difficult for the blonde because he didn’t know how to deal with this kind of situation. Sure, they have fought, but whenever that happened, Kenma would always have a clear reason as to why they were even fighting in the first place. Here, Kenma didn’t know why and it pained him. He wanted to help Kuroo with whatever he had a problem with. And Kenma thought that helping him would collaterally help them.

Their relationship and connection were taking a bit of a strain. It was minimal, but if you compared it to the last few months’ data, there was definitely a drop.

He didn’t like them being this distant. He felt like he couldn’t say anything anymore. He wanted to voice out all these feelings. But Kuroo had always been and forever will be his number 1 confidant. So, how the fuck was he gonna explain all this when Kuroo wasn’t even trying to ease him.

Weeks later, Kuroo started leaving the house for a certain amount of time after work or school. It was then did Kenma truly realized what the word “terrified” meant. He was scared. Scared for Kuroo, who always seemed to have alcohol on his lingering scent.

He felt truly helpless. He knew that he had to step in, but whenever he did, Kuroo would snap, saying that he didn’t need to know what he’d done and what he was doing.

It broke Kenma’s heart to see him like that. To see them so distant. He’d stare at his monitor and see the now significant drop in their connection status. He’d cry whenever he looked at it. What was worse was that he would cry alone since Kuroo was still out and wouldn’t be back until probably midnight or later.

* * *

It all collapsed one night. Kenma was on the couch, watching god-knows-what at a seriously late hour. He was staying up to hopefully greet Kuroo at the door. It had been about a month after the gap started to grow and it only seemed to grow wider no matter how many times Kenma tried to cross it.

He knew that it was idiotic to wait up for Kuroo, he’d stop doing so about a week or two ago. But tonight, he just felt like waiting for him. He wanted to try again; this time harder than his last attempt. He wanted to coax an answer out of him, a real one. It couldn’t hurt to, right?

Oh, how wrong he was.

About an hour later, Kenma woke up to the sound of shuffling feet. He didn’t realize that he had fallen asleep. The TV was also shut off. That could only mean that Kuroo was home.

He was proven correct when he saw the ravenette, still dressed in his office-clothes, walk out of the hallway.

“Oh, hey,” He mumbled sleepily, rubbing at his eyes. “Didn’t hear you come in. Sorry, I dozed off.”

“You shouldn’t have stayed up for me,” Kuroo spoke, his voice seemed tense.

“Why not?” This was it, maybe he could direct the conversation into exactly where he wanted it to go. He moved his hand away from his eyes, waiting for them to regain sight. How he wished he’d just let them stay closed.

Kuroo stood there, a few feet away from him, holding folded clothes. His clothes. Kenma was sure that he didn’t have the laundry going. He dreaded the implication behind this, but he decided to ask anyway.

“What’s with that?”

Kuroo tensed. “I—Kenma look…”

“Are you going somewhere?” He was acting dumb and he knew it. If Kuroo was going on a trip, he’d at least pack tomorrow and notify Kenma. No matter how distant they’ve gotten, he’s got the right to know if his boyfriend was going to be away for a while.

Kuroo looked deeply conflicted, which only amplified the terror and concern that was churning within Kenma’s guts. There was silence for another three minutes before Kuroo spoke.

“I can’t keep lying to you Kenma.” He whispered so quietly that Kenma almost didn’t hear him. “I’m sorry, Kenma, I really am. But…I can’t keep on like this. I can’t keep _you_ like this.”

“Kuroo,” Kenma whispered cautiously, fear threatening to spill in his voice. “What are you talking about?”

“K-Kenma, I—” Kuroo took in a deep breath before exhaling it. “I have to leave.”

“Leave? For what?” Fear. Fear. Fear. These were the only things ringing in Kenma’s head right now.

“Leave…I have to leave…you.”

Kenma froze. No. No. This wasn’t happening. This was just a dream, an illusion. This isn’t real. No. No. Kuroo’s not leaving him.

No. No.

NO.

“No. No. Kuroo what are you saying? Please don’t say what I think you’re saying.” He pleaded, not noticing the tears gathering in his eyes.

“I—I can’t keep leading you on like this, Kenma. I can’t keep you hurting like this.” Kuroo shook his head, pain written across his face. “I have to leave you so I can keep you from hurting.”

“Hurting from what?”

Kuroo ignored him. “You’ll only get hurt in the long run if I stay any longer. I know it hurts you now, but it’ll be worse if I don’t do it.”

“Do what?”

“Kenma, I’m so sorry…”

“DO WHAT?!” His screaming took Kuroo off-guard, hell he was taken aback too. He never screamed, not like this. “For gods’ sake, Kuroo answer me! You. You never answer any of my questions! You always leave me hanging. Leave me to try and piece the fucking puzzle, but you keep hiding all the pieces from me!” He was letting it out. Letting it all out.

“I always tried to ask! What’s wrong? What’s on your mind? YOU NEVER ANSWER! Not in the way in which I could find a way to ease your worries. At first, I thought you were just stressed, but now I don’t know. AND THEN YOU SUDDENLY SAY THAT YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME? FOW WHAT?!” He stood up, tears streaming freely down his reddened cheeks, burning with anger, hurt, and confusion.

“Do you know how many times I asked? I asked you, so many goddamn times. It came to the point where I started asking myself. What did I do? Did I do something? Can I do something to help? Should I have pestered you more? Even when I respected your fucking privacy, HOPING that you’d come to me eventually. You never did! I was so confused, Tetsurou. How am I supposed to help someone when I don’t even know why they are the way they are? How am I supposed to help my FUCKING BOYFRIEND? HOW CAN I HELP HIM? EASE HIS FUCKING PAIN?!”

“K-Kenma…” Kuroo tried to say, but Kenma was not stopping.

“Do you know how many times I cried at night? Hoping, searching for a way where I can reach you. I want to reach you so badly, Tetsurou, but you’re always moving away. I cried at night, not knowing what to do. Not knowing what was wrong with you. Do you know how much that fucking hurts? Don’t you know that I’m hurting too?” He was whispering now, the pain too great for him to scream. He felt so hurt. He wanted to scream, he wanted Kuroo to say something. He wobbled on the floor, in front of Kuroo, before his knees gave out.

“K-Kenma, listen—” He tried to move to help the blonde up, but Kenma was having none of it.

“No, _you_ fucking listen! Tell me, Tetsurou. For once in our goddamn life, tell me. Tell me what’s wrong. Answer me, truthfully. ANSWER! Why? Why do you have to leave?!” Kenma cried as he looked up at the man who made and at the same time broke his heart.

It was pitiful, the position they were in. The blonde on the floor, knees too weak to hold himself up, as he stared tearily at Kuroo, who was standing in front of him, a pained but blank expression painted on his face.

Kuroo didn’t answer. “Is it because I’m an aberration?” He whispered, eyes wide with fear and sadness. “Because I’m a mistake? A glitch in the system?”

“That’s not it. Kenma, you know I never held that against you—”

“Then tell me dammit!” Kenma screamed, his emotions bubbling and bursting as he tried to comprehend at least a fraction of what was happening. “Tell me why you’re leaving me! TELL ME WHY!”

He sort of knew why. But he was holding onto that last thin thread, hoping that the older man would deny his assumption.

Kuroo looked down and stared at Kenma’s face, not his eyes, just his face. As if he felt ashamed. “I…I don’t love you anymore.”

Kenma froze, eyes wide and staring at the floor. His face was expressionless, rather, blank from shock. His eyes were puffy and red, but they were wide, the emotions swimming in them. Pain. Confusion. Anger. Every negative emotion his brain could conjure.

Pain. His heart never hurt as bad before as it was now. He felt like he couldn’t breathe as his heart shattered into a million pieces and was mercilessly thrown into a fire.

Confusion. How could Kuroo do this to him? Was he not enough? Did he do something wrong?

Anger. _Why_ would Kuroo do this to him? After all, they’ve done and been through. Was he really just going to toss him away like that?

“I’m sorry Kenma. I really am.” Kuroo tried to say, but Kenma wasn’t hearing it.

“Why?” He whispered, speaking quietly to himself but he knew that Kuroo would still answer. “How? Was I not enough? Did I do something? I don’t mean all those things about you being annoying, Kuroo, I swear.” He was stuttering, but he couldn’t stop the word-vomit. “Was _I_ annoying you? Please, Kuroo. Tell me why. Why don’t you love me anymore?” He pleaded, no, begged.

Kuroo looked uncomfortable. “I—Shit. I…found someone, Kenma.”

As if it was still possible, Kenma felt his heart—now burning in the fire—get roasted into ashes as gasoline was dumped on it.

He didn’t say anything. He _couldn’t_ say anything. How could he compete with another person? He didn’t know who it was, but Kenma had a feeling that whoever they were, they were better than him in so many aspects. Why else would Kuroo leave him for them? Maybe they were normal, they were functioning like a normal person. They weren’t like him. They could probably make relationships easier. Maybe they weren’t closed off like him.

Or maybe, they were also an aberration. But maybe they were better at handling it all than him. Maybe their glitches weren’t as noticeable as his. Maybe they had the very qualities that Kenma lacked, while at the same time, still labeled as mistakes.

Maybe…

Maybes weren’t going to change anything, Kenma thought. Kuroo made up his mind. He couldn’t change it if there really was someone better than him. He knew from the start that he wasn’t going to be the perfect boyfriend. He had expected outcomes of them having a hard time. Hell, Kenma anticipated _this_ outcome as well. He just didn’t expect it to hurt so much.

“Is there…really nothing in there for me anymore?” Kenma whispered, looking up at Kuroo who remained silent.

Kuroo bit his lip, his expression was pained. But probably not as pained as Kenma’s. “I’m sorry.” He said it so quietly that Kenma probably wouldn’t’ve heard it if it weren’t so quiet in the room.

Kenma nodded weakly, defeated, and hurt. He felt numb. But somehow, the pain was still throbbing in his nonexistent heart.

He tuned everything out after that. Shakily clutching his monitor, swiping at his volume. Everything fell silent. Granted it was already silent before. But here, he couldn’t hear anything. Not even the buzz of the AC.

He shakily stood up, walking to the couch. Rather, shuffling and trying to balance himself on the furniture. His knees were still too weak to move. He settled himself on the cushioned seats. Not hearing anything. Not hearing the sound of Kuroo awkwardly moving about the room to grab the last of his clothes. Thankfully, the older man didn’t walk into Kenma’s line of sight. Good. The blonde wouldn’t know what to do if he saw him again.

He didn’t hear the door shut closed. The man he’s loved for so many eons walking out, out from their home, from his life.

Minutes, maybe hours passed. Kenma kept a sad but somewhat straight face. He stared at the wall, knowing that if he looked at an object, they’d remind him of his ex-lover. But even seeing the wall made him hurt, so he closed his eyes, a single tear rolling down his cheeks as he released a shaky breath that could pass for a sob.

Slowly, he lay down on the couch, curling into a fetal position. Not caring about how his back would hurt tomorrow. He was _not_ going into their—no— _his_ bedroom. It would hurt. More than he already was.

He let out another sob, another tear, before finally letting a dreamless sleep embrace him.

* * *

Kenma awoke to the sensation of being shaken. Groggily, he opened one of his eyes, a blur in from of him. Blur soon turned into a person, more specifically, Akaashi Keiji.

The ravenette seemed to be saying something, but Kenma could only see his mouth moving, no sound. Oh. Right. He reached into his hoodie pocket, pulling his monitor out, swiping the volume into the normal hearing.

“…Kenma, are you okay? No, of course, you’re not okay. But, how are you? How can I help you?”

At first, he was confused at Akaashi’s questions. But then he remembered why he was sleeping on the couch. He remembered last night and he couldn’t help the noticeable flinch and building of tears in his eyes.

He softly shook his head as a response. “I’ll be fine. Thank you for your concern.”

Akaashi’s face softened in concern and disbelief. “Kenma, I know you’re not fine.”

“I know that too,” Kenma mumbled back. “But I said ‘I’ll’…I’ll be fine.”

“And _when_ will that happen?” He knew Akaashi didn’t mean it in a mocking matter. The ravenette was too blunt like that. He didn’t beat around the bush.

Luckily, Kenma didn’t either, so he was okay with telling his friend what he was actually feeling. Not all of it though. The only person he could be truly open with…was Kuroo.

Somehow, even thinking of his name left a bitter taste in Kenma’s mouth. Shaking his head, he swallowed it back as he responded. “I don’t know…It could take a long time. I’m sure of that. I can’t just get over him like that…” He trailed off into a smaller whisper. “Not like he did with me.”

Akaashi stayed silent as Kenma found his mouth moving on its own. “We’ve been together for so long. Since we were kids, for god's sake. I can’t just forget all about that. I could never. Without those times we spent together, who knows where I could be right now!” He was on a roll, saying and asking questions as if Akaashi wasn’t in the room. “I’d probably be back at my parent’s place holed up until I dug my own grave from lack of, well, everything!”

He breathed deeply, having said that all in one go. He never spoke this much and definitely not this fast, so he was easily tired now. “I could never throw away all the things he did for me. They were all too important. I can’t even bring myself to erase that memory of when I slipped in a puddle and faceplanted on the ground. He laughed at me and I was a mess. But I can’t bring myself to even _want_ to forget that smile of his when he pulled me up and dragged me to his house, cackling.”

“But…I can’t understand. I can’t understand, ‘Kaashi.” He slowed down, confusion in his voice as he finally acknowledged the other’s presence again.

“Can’t understand what?” Akaashi asked when Kenma didn’t say anything else.

“How was it so easy for him to throw all that away?” His voice was so quiet, the ravenette wouldn’t have heard it if he was another foot away from where he was sitting. “How…How was it so easy for him to disregard all that? As if all those times for him were replaceable.” He chuckled. “But maybe they are. Maybe those memories can be replaced by his new _lover_.” Kenma felt the bitter taste in his mouth again but still maintained the disturbing smile. “They’re probably already starting on it right now. Why wouldn’t they though? Kuroo’s the type to jump straight into actions if he feels so passionate about it.”

“That’s why…when he left me so easily last night, without even saying anything other than _sorry_. I knew that Kuroo loved them. He wouldn’t do it if he wasn’t sure.”

He felt Akaashi move up and sit beside him on the couch. Slowly and cautiously wrapping an arm around the blonde. At first, Kenma was confused by all these actions, until he felt wet streaks on his cheeks. Oh. He was crying. He didn’t even realize it. Well, no holding back now. He’d already let out so much.

“I don’t understand, Akaashi.” He sobbed quietly, feeling Akaashi’s arm tighten around him. “Did I do something wrong? Where did it go wrong? I thought we were happy. I thought…I thought…” He cried.

Thought. That was all his mind could conjure up. All of those feelings, those memories, those moments, were they all just in Kenma’s head? Did Kuroo actually even love him from the start? Or did he just pity the aberration, who was too busy being hopelessly in love to care about whether or not the other loved him back?

“I thought he loved me.” His pained whisper was the only noise filling the room. Along with Akaashi’s soothing shushes and hums.

* * *

Kenma laid back on the couch, releasing a deep and heavy sigh. Akaashi had left about an hour ago for work, with a promise to return with dinner. Kenma had declined, saying that he was fine (Really?). He didn’t need Akaashi to fret over him, but the ravenette insisted.

“I don’t need to do that, yes,” Akaashi spoke as he readied himself to head out. “But I want to. You’re my friend, Kenma. My conscience won’t rest if I left you all alone.” He smiled warmly, before quickly exiting, to make sure that Kenma won’t be able to get another word in.

After that, the blonde had taken to lying on the couch and not do anything for the rest of the day. Not that it was hard. He was very well-versed in this type of behavior, so he had no qualms with it. But now, it felt different from all the days he’d spent doing nothing.

Back then, if he was having a lazy day, he’d pick up a game and play until lunchtime. Except now, he can’t even muster the strength to grab the gadget on top of the coffee table. And back then, he wasn’t alone. He remembered how _he_ always pestered the blonde to talk to him at least two times, whenever he got too deep in a game.

Maybe he should’ve paid more attention…to him, to them. Maybe he should’ve noticed Kuroo a lot more. He should’ve given him the attention he asked from Kenma. Then maybe…he wouldn’t’ve gone and tried to find that attention somewhere else.

Maybe he should’ve noticed sooner how they slowly started to drift away from each other. Instead of just shrugging it off to work and stress, maybe he should’ve asked. Maybe he should’ve said something instead of waiting. Because his waiting must’ve been Kuroo’s ‘go-signal’ to start slipping away from their relationship.

Maybe…Maybes were useless.

He had to keep reminding himself that. Maybes meant uncertainty. Only a possibility. A 50/50 chance. No matter how many ‘maybes’ he conjured up, there wasn’t a full chance that that would lead to Kuroo coming back. And, he guessed, the percentage was higher with the unhappy ending rather than the happy one.

He had to squash the hope before it grew, he realized.

With all this thinking, he didn’t realize the time passing. What had turned into a few minutes of thinking, turned into hours. The only time he glanced at the clock was when his phone had dinged, signaling a text message. It was from Akaashi.

**_Akaashi Keiji [12:03 pm]:_** I know that you haven’t yet so I’m just messaging to remind you to eat lunch.

 ** _Akaashi Keiji [12:03 pm]:_** Please do. Even instant noodles are fine.

Kenma sighed, there was no escaping the mother owl's concerns and caring nature. At least he didn’t ask for Kenma to take a picture of an empty—but dirty—plate as proof.

**_Kozume Kenma [12:05 pm]:_** I’ll try to.

He hoped the ravenette would let him off with this response. As much as he expected him not to, surprisingly Akaashi relented.

****

**_Akaashi Keiji [12:06 pm]:_** That’s good.

 ** _Akaashi Keiji [12:07 pm]:_** By the way, I apologize in advance if Koutaro messages you today. I explicitly told him not to, but he tried to insist, saying how he wanted to be there for you. I have no control over him sorry. But you can ignore him if you want. He’ll mind, but I’ll tell him off if you tell me.

Before Kenma could even react, much less respond, a notification went down his screen, signaling a message from none other than Bokuto Koutaro himself.

****

**_Bokuto Koutaro [12:08 pm]:_** Hey! Hey, Kenma! How are you? Probably not fine, but I wanted to ask anyway.

 ** _Bokuto Koutaro [12:08 pm]:_** I know you’re probably still hurting, but I just wanna let you know that I’ve got your back. We all do! Me, Hinata (he says hi), and Keiji! And a whole lot of other people.

 ** _Bokuto Koutaro [12:09 pm]:_** You may not realize it or if you do and you just choose to ignore it, but you’ve got a lot of friends and almost-family that’s ready to back you up and help.

 ** _Bokuto Koutaro [12:09 pm]:_** I know you don’t want it, but whenever you do need it, we’re here! We won’t leave you!

The speed in which Bokuto was both typing and sending in was scarily fast. So fast that Kenma barely had time to react to on message before the next one came.

He didn’t want to admit it, but he did however wince on the last message. He was sure that Bokuto didn’t mean it that way, but the feelings behind it didn’t stop Kenma’s mind to drift off into space once again. To him, it was: “He left you, but we won’t!” And while that _was_ sweet, it felt more bitter than sweet to Kenma.

* * *

He knew it was cliché of him to do so, but somehow, he wanted to do it. He wanted to listen to those heartbreaking songs, crying his eyes out, and feel better like in those movies. The movies that Kuroo loved to watch so much.

He didn’t mind romance, but he wasn’t an avid fan. He would, however, join Kuroo in watching those movies whenever the other felt like it. Sometimes, the older would compare the leading couple to the both of them, saying how they were so much better than the ones on-screen. To which the blonde would reply, saying that they were just acting.

He felt his eyes already start to water at those memories. He held them back long enough for him to find the right song. He set his volume up to high, connecting to the speakers. He leaned back on the couch, sitting on the floor as the instrumental started up.

_Don't go tonight  
Stay here one more time_

He remembered how he sat helplessly and pitifully on the floor as he begged Kuroo to stay. To not leave him. He could feel every stab in his heart and every tear that was shed from his eyes.

_Remind me what it's like  
And let's fall in love one more time_

He wished they could. Even if Kuroo had been the one to hurt him, he wished they could have one more chance. He was willing to give him that chance if he was truly sincere. Call him desperate, he couldn’t care. He wanted the love he once had with this man. He wanted to feel it every morning when he woke up and every night when he went to sleep. He wanted it so badly. He needed it.

_I need you now by my side_

He can’t handle being alone. Granted, he was always alone, people avoided him. But he was never lonely. Not when he had _him_. Not when he had him to push away the crowd. When he would whisper loving words into his ear as he brushed away the pain. Not when he never once thought of him as a mistake.

_It tears me up when you turn me down  
I'm begging please, just stick around_

He hurts when he gets reminded of the moments when Kuroo would turn him down. Going as far as to avoid him. He hurt especially when his pleas to stay fell on the man’s deaf ears.

_I'm sorry, don't leave me  
I want you here with me_

‘If it really were something that I did, please, Tetsurou, I’m sorry.’ He thought as he tried hard to push back the sob building in his chest. He needs him here, at least one more time. ‘Please.’ He pleaded in his mind.

_I know that your love is gone_

He knew it. He knew it from the moment Kuroo said it. It obviously didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

Kuroo didn’t love him anymore.

_I can't breathe, I'm so weak  
I know this isn't easy_

He _was_ weak. He was hurting so much. It wasn’t easy to get over these feelings. He knew that. But he couldn’t help but wonder how Kuroo made it look easy. Was it really that easy to fall out of love with him?

_Don't tell me that your love is gone  
That your love is gone_

He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help the sliver of hope to linger in his mind. Hope that Kuroo might walk in the door, pleading for forgiveness and a second chance. He wouldn’t give it to him right away, but he somehow knew that if it worked again, he would.

But he knew this was all wishful thinking. Kuroo wasn’t coming back. He wasn’t going to walk back in, not in Kenma’s life anymore. He left him. He left because his love for Kenma ran out. Instead, it all went to that lucky person that Kuroo chose.

_Don't tell me that your love is gone  
That your love is gone_

“I love you, Kuroo. I love you so much.” He spoke in the cold air after he finished the song. “But I know that you don’t anymore. I’m not okay, I’m not sure if I ever will be. I keep thinking about where it all went wrong. I keep thinking that you’ll come back. It hurts, it really does. But I love you too much to not care for you. I hope you’re okay. Whoever they are, treat them right, please.” He smiled sadly, eyes watering. “Treat them how you treated me, but better. They don’t deserve to feel like I do now.” He gulped back a sob. “Goodbye. I…I love you. Please be happy.”

* * *

Weakly, he sat down on his couch. Sighing in exhaustion as he leaned his head back. He stayed like that for a while, eyes closed, hair undone, basking in the silence.

He gripped his monitor tighter in his hand. He scrunched his face as he slowly lifted it. Pressing buttons until he arrived at his destination.

**_ Feelings Tab _ **

Body trembling, he scrolled down until he saw it.

**_Kuroo Tetsurou – Romantic Feelings_ **

**_ Open Folder?  _ **

**_Yes_ ** **✓ _or No_**

He bit his lip, biting back tears.

**_ Delete Feelings? _ **

**_Yes or No_ **

He almost pressed ‘No’. But he shook his head. He has to do this. If he doesn’t, he may never truly live his life in peace. It hurts to do it. But…He has to be selfish. This was for his own good.

Kuroo wasn’t coming back. He made a selfish choice. Kenma had to make one too.

 ** _Yes_** **✓ _or No_**

**_ Are you sure? _ **

**_Deleting feelings will result in all feelings to be lost forever. Severing bonds with this person. Memories will not be erased, however, memories that directly pertain to feelings will be altered. Relationships will remain unaffected but will reduce the person’s standing in your life. Please do not proceed if this decision was not thought through._ **

Oh, Kenma _has_ thought this through. For days now, he has been listing reasons and benefits and losses. He was sure. He didn’t deserve to feel all this pain. If Kuroo were to come back, Kenma would see him as nothing but an ex-boyfriend. Feelings beyond friendship will probably never blossom, but he was okay with that. He was sure.

 ** _Yes_** **_✓ or No_**

** FEELINGS WILL BE PERMANENTLY DELETED.  **

**_Please wait…_ **

**_Processing Complete._ **

**_Deleting Feelings…_ **

This was it. No turning back. Kenma let out a deep sigh, tapping his fingers in a rhythmic beat on his thigh. He was okay. He was okay. _He was okay._

** ERROR **

**_ ERROR IN DELETING FEELINGS. _ **

**_DELETION PROCESS_ FAILED _DUE TO LARGE FILE SIZE._ **

**_PERSON TOO IMPORTANT TO DELETE._ **

**_DELETION WILL ALTER/AFFECT LIFE ENTIRELY._ **

**_…_ **

**_ Go back to Home Menu? _ **

He was not okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I have so much I wanna say and my own thoughts, but this note thing is too short for me to explain it all so if you want to know something, sound off in the comments below!
> 
> How was it? Did I hurt you? I'd say sorry, but that was my intention with this fic heheeheheh. Hope I did it justice though!
> 
> Tell me your thoughts in the comments, I love hearing from you guys. Also tell me...would you be interested in a second part of this perhaps?...You know...maybe Kuroo's side of things? Possibly a more pleasing ending? Let me know :)  
> Do you think that Kuroo doesn't really love him anymore? Did he replace the blonde?
> 
> Thanks so much for reading. Love you all! Stay safe!!!
> 
> btw, here's the song I used for this fic: Love Is Gone by SLANDER (feat. Dylan Matthew)  
> go listen to it and cry your eyes out. <3


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